See ourselves as other see us

Sh’lach L’cha
Numbers 13:1-15:41

Précis: Moses is ordered to “send out” (sh’lach l’cha) spies to examine the land. Princes of each tribe go out, report on its bounty, but also report about its fearsome inhabitants. The People are frightened, and “murmuring” turns to something close to panic. God tells Moses that He will destroy the People, but Moses intercedes; the People are sentenced to spend 40 years in the desert. The parasha discusses the wearing of tzitzit, a paragraph which is traditionally recited with the Shema. This is the 27th of 54 parshiot, marking the half-way point in the yearly reading

Numbers 13:33 "We looked like grasshoppers to ourselves, and so we must have looked to them."

In a midrash, we read an explanation explaining why God reacted so angrily to the spies' report in the verse cited above. God rebukes the scouts: "You don't know what you have just let your mouths utter. I am ready to put up with your saying, 'we were in our own eyes as grasshoppers.' But I do take offense at your asserting, 'and so were we in their eyes.' Could you possibly know how I made you appear in their eyes? How do you know but that in their eyes you were like angels?"

The sin of the spies was not only uttering a disparaging report, or even of doubting the ability of God to prevail, but that they had the chutzpa to assume that they knew how others perceived them.

The spies saw themselves as "grasshoppers" and assumed they would be viewed as such by their opponents. It is difficult to know how one is perceived by others. To really know what others think about us, we first must have a reasonable degree of self-awareness. Then, we often need to see through the mirage of what others want us to think.

Nevertheless, in order to have successful interpersonal relationships, we do need an accurate picture of what others think about us. This verse suggests that if we need to know, we should ask, and not assume. Asking others what they really think about us takes courage, because we may not get the answer we hope for. On the other hand, failing to ask makes real communication between people impossible.

So take a chance. Be open with others. Let others know what you think about them, and press for feedback about your own actions. This is a truism equally applicable in the workplace and in family life.