Parents and Children

Ki Tetze
Deuteronomy 21:10 - 25:19

Précis:  The parasha might be subtitled “entering society” because it describes the creation of a just and moral social network. It begins with the phrase “when you go forth” (ki tetze) to battle.  This parasha, according to Maimonides, contains 72 mitzvot (commandments). Although they seem unrelated, they all deal with the morals and values that God wanted to be deeply implanted in the Israelites' society. They cover a wide variety of topics, from family life, human kindness, respect for property and animals, the safety of others, sexual relationships, escaped slaves, financial loans and charging interest, keeping promises, and remembering to blot out the name of one of Israel's greatest enemies. This assortment of commands included requirements that there be sex-distinct clothing; that mother birds not be separated from their eggs; that roof-tops have parapets; that seeds not be mixed in a field, and that “tzitzit” (fringes) be worn on garments.

Deuteronomy 21:18–21 “If a parent has a stubborn and rebellious son, who does not heed his father or mother and does not obey them even after they discipline him,  his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his town at the public place of the community. They shall say to the elders of his town, ‘This son of ours is disloyal and defiant; he does not heed us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.’  Thereupon the residents of his town shall stone him to death. Thus you will sweep out evil from your midst: all Israel will hear and be afraid.”
                We have here every parent’s nightmare, and every parent’s experience.  Every child, at one time or another, displays some aspect of this nightmarish child. There are even times when parents would love to pursue this penalty.
               Once we calm down and think this through, we understand that this kind of punishment cannot be effectuated. Modern parenting seems to reject physical acts of punishment and substitute the “time out”   or perhaps a visit to a therapist (maybe many visits!). A mom who swats her son on the rear end in a grocery store will be stared at best, and accused of child abuse at worst.
               The rabbis understood this passage in light of the need for discipline of children, but agreed that the execution of a child who is “stubborn and rebellious” was highly problematic. They established a long list of prerequisites to the imposition of the sentence (BT Sanhedrin 68b–72a: the child must steal from his parents must be tried by twenty-three judges, and both parents must agree to the death sentence. The child needed to be both a glutton and a drunkard. Additional requirements were added as to the child’s age, warnings, and previous punishments. So many restrictions were added by the rabbis that, according to the Talmud (Sanhedrin 71a) “There never was, nor will there ever be, a child who meets all of the legal qualifications of the ‘wayward and rebellious son.’ Hence, this punishment was never inflicted.
               Why does this commandment appear in our text, if it was never and can never be enforced? One answer may be that the Torah is teaching us that parents are limited in their ability to discipline a child; it certainly teaches that there are better ways of instilling positive values than stoning to death! It may also be a subtle way of reminding us that parents are supposed to set boundaries for the behaviors of their children and that children are supposed to observe them, but that reality tells us that boundaries are ignored from time to time.

               The Talmudic explanation and exegesis of these verses also teaches us that parents need to speak with one voice, and that they need to convey their expectations of behavior clearly and unambiguously to their children. But even then, no child is “perfect.” If the child remains “stubborn and rebellious” should we blame the parents? I think not. The Torah teaches us that each person is responsible for his or her own actions. If we as parents do the best job we can in communicating and modeling our beliefs and values to our children, we can only hope that they will incorporate their values into their own personalities. Today, we may be living in a society of delayed maturation, but there comes a time when our children, of whatever age, become responsible for their own actions. If you are a parent, the month of Elul offers an opportunity for a “teaching moment” about accepting responsibility of one's actions.