Honor and Respect

Va'ethanan

Deut. 3:23 - 7:11

Précis: Moses continues the recapitulation of travels, and urges the People to follow the laws and commandments of Adonai. Moses pleads with God that he be allowed to enter the Promised Land, and is refused. Moses reminds the people that God was angry with him on account of their sinful ways, and therefore was refused permission to enter the Land. Moses continues with a restatement of the Ten Commandments, and follows with an articulation of the basic element of Jewish theology: the Sh’ma. Moses then warns the people against the perils of forgetfulness, particularly of the Exodus, and cautions against idol worship of gods of the nations they will conquer.

           

Deut. 5:16 “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

Rabbi Lawrence W. Raphael has written a beautiful comment on this verse (MyJewishLearning.com, 8/16/16). He notes that honoring one’s parents is first found in Lev. 19:3, but here, the order or the parents is reversed, with “mother” coming before “father,” and a different verb is used (honor vs. respect).

Why the differences? One possible explanation appears in BT Kiddushin 31b–32a, in a discussion about what constitutes “honor.” The Talmud notes that “honor” is used in the Ten Commandments in both Exodus and Deuteronomy, but in Leviticus the verb is “respect.”

The Talmud reminds us that “respect” is observed by not standing in the parent’s usual place, not sitting where the parent normally sits, not contradicting the parent’s words, and not interfering in a parent’s dispute with others. This may imply that the word “respect” means to be aware of and sensitive to a parents’ feelings. A story is told which explains this concept.

            It once happened that there was a young man who fed his father fattened chickens, but when his father asked from where they came, the son replied, “Old man, old man, shut up and eat, even as dogs shut up when they eat.” Thus, even though the young man provided fine food for his father (thereby "honoring" him), he did not respect him.

            There was another young man whose work was grinding wheat. When the king sent word that millers must  go and work for him, the young man said to his father, “Father, you go to the my mill to grind in my stead, and I will go do the king’s work. Should there be humiliation in it, I would rather be humiliated and not you; should there be flogging, let me receive the blows and not you.” Thus, although he made his father work, he respected his feelings.

            No one can command the emotions of another. But appropriate and proper behavior can be defined and insisted upon. As Rabbi Raphael explains, “we honor our parents because it is they who gave us life. If they are lovable, we also love them. But whether or not they are lovable, we must honor them.” I would add that we must also respect them by be concerned about their feelings.

            This is a concern for children of every age. We know through experience that all is not sweetness and light with regard to the relationship between parents and children. But we can strive to both "honor" and "respect" them, whether we are youngsters being cared by them, or grownups caring and tending to the needs of aged parents.