A Key to a Happy Marriage

Ki Tetze

Deut. 21:10 - 25:19

Précis:  The parasha might be subtitled “entering society” because it describes the creation of a just and moral social network. This parasha, according to Maimonides, contains 72 mitzvot (commandments). They cover a wide variety of topics, from family life, human kindness, respect for property and animals, the safety of others, sexual relationships, escaped slaves, financial loans and charging interest, keeping promises, and remembering to blot out the name of one of Israel's greatest enemies. This assortment of commands included requirements that there be sex-distinct clothing; that mother birds not be separated from their eggs; that roof-tops have parapets; that seeds not be mixed in a field, and that “tzitzit” (fringes) be worn on garments.

Deut. 24:5 “When a man has taken a bride, he shall not go out with the army or be assigned to it for any purpose; he shall be exempt for one year for the sake of his household, to give happiness to the woman he has married."

            As regular readers of this weekly message know, my wife Abby and I celebrated our 45^th wedding anniversary last week. Several people have asked us what the “secret” is to a long-lasting and successful marital relationship. As it turns out, this week’s Torah reading may provide an important hint!

Former JTS Chancellor Schorsch  writes (reprinted in MyJewishLearning.com 8/28/12) of the “demanding complexity of matrimony.” Divorce and remarriage were issues when the Torah was received, and when the rabbis drafted the Talmud, and obviously remain issues today. Some have suggested that the institution of marriage is in jeopardy today, but that is not exactly a new phenomenon. A tale in our tradition suggests that since creating the Universe, God spends His time as a Heavenly matchmaker. Rare is the Jewish wedding when the officiant fails to remind the bride and groom that God’s involvement is needed in sustaining a long-lasting and successful marriage.

            The cited verse informs us that a newlywed groom, for a period of a year, is exempt from military service. This reflects a traditional Jewish view of marriage: it is a husband’s responsibility, particularly, in the first year, to create a relationship, both physical and emotional, with his wife. Procreation is certainly one goal, but the text explicitly underscores the husband's duty to make his new wife happy.  (I would add that the wife of course has a similar duty towards her husband!)

            It is interesting that this prohibition against a groom’s military service immediate follows a series of verses dealing with divorce. This proximity suggests that divorce can be avoided if the husband spends the first year of marriage really trying to please his wife.

            So, when asked what the “secret” to a long and happy marriage is, I can suggest that we turn toward this verse, and recognize the need to treat every year of marriage as if it was the first year, when the couples’ attention is directed so powerfully toward the happiness of the other.