Parents and Children

Ki Tetze
Deuteronomy 21:10 - 25:19

Précis:  The parasha might be subtitled “entering society” because it describes the creation of a just and moral social network. It begins with the phrase “when you go forth” (ki tetze) to battle.  This parasha, according to Maimonides, contains 72 mitzvot (commandments). Although they seem unrelated, they all deal with the morals and values that God wanted to be deeply implanted in the Israelites' society. They cover a wide variety of topics, from family life, human kindness, respect for property and animals, the safety of others, sexual relationships, escaped slaves, financial loans and charging interest, keeping promises, and remembering to blot out the name of one of Israel's greatest enemies. This assortment of commands included requirements that there be sex-distinct clothing; that mother birds not be separated from their eggs; that roof-tops have parapets; that seeds not be mixed in a field, and that “tzitzit” (fringes) be worn on garments.

Deuteronomy 21:18–21 “If a parent has a stubborn and rebellious son, who does not heed his father or mother and does not obey them even after they discipline him,  his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his town at the public place of the community. They shall say to the elders of his town, ‘This son of ours is disloyal and defiant; he does not heed us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.’  Thereupon the residents of his town shall stone him to death. Thus you will sweep out evil from your midst: all Israel will hear and be afraid.”
                We have here every parent’s nightmare, and every parent’s experience.  Every child, at one time or another, displays some aspect of this nightmarish child. There are even times when parents would love to pursue this penalty.
               Once we calm down and think this through, we understand that this kind of punishment cannot be effectuated. Modern parenting seems to reject physical acts of punishment and substitute the “time out”   or perhaps a visit to a therapist (maybe many visits!). A mom who swats her son on the rear end in a grocery store will be stared at best, and accused of child abuse at worst.
               The rabbis understood this passage in light of the need for discipline of children, but agreed that the execution of a child who is “stubborn and rebellious” was highly problematic. They established a long list of prerequisites to the imposition of the sentence (BT Sanhedrin 68b–72a: the child must steal from his parents must be tried by twenty-three judges, and both parents must agree to the death sentence. The child needed to be both a glutton and a drunkard. Additional requirements were added as to the child’s age, warnings, and previous punishments. So many restrictions were added by the rabbis that, according to the Talmud (Sanhedrin 71a) “There never was, nor will there ever be, a child who meets all of the legal qualifications of the ‘wayward and rebellious son.’ Hence, this punishment was never inflicted.
               Why does this commandment appear in our text, if it was never and can never be enforced? One answer may be that the Torah is teaching us that parents are limited in their ability to discipline a child; it certainly teaches that there are better ways of instilling positive values than stoning to death! It may also be a subtle way of reminding us that parents are supposed to set boundaries for the behaviors of their children and that children are supposed to observe them, but that reality tells us that boundaries are ignored from time to time.

               The Talmudic explanation and exegesis of these verses also teaches us that parents need to speak with one voice, and that they need to convey their expectations of behavior clearly and unambiguously to their children. But even then, no child is “perfect.” If the child remains “stubborn and rebellious” should we blame the parents? I think not. The Torah teaches us that each person is responsible for his or her own actions. If we as parents do the best job we can in communicating and modeling our beliefs and values to our children, we can only hope that they will incorporate their values into their own personalities. Today, we may be living in a society of delayed maturation, but there comes a time when our children, of whatever age, become responsible for their own actions. If you are a parent, the month of Elul offers an opportunity for a “teaching moment” about accepting responsibility of one's actions.

Do not fear

Shoftim

Deuteronomy 16:18-21:9

Précis: The parasha Shoftim (literally, “judges”) is devoted primarily to various themes of justice, and includes warnings against false testimony, idol worship, and the dangers posed by mortal kings. The parasha also warns the people against false prophets, magicians, soothsayers and witches. It establishes requirements for cities of refuge in the Promised Land. In short, the parasha is devoted to ways to create a just society in the Land of Israel.

Deuteronomy 20:1-3 "When you take the field against your enemies, and see horses and chariots, forces larger than yours,  have no fear (lo tira) of them, for the Eternal your God, who brought you from the land of Egypt, is with you. Before you join battle, the priest shall come forward and address the troops. He shall say to them: 'Hear, O Israel! You are about to join battle with your enemy. Let not your courage falter. Do not be in fear (al tir'u!), or in panic, or in dread of them'.”

                

Yael Splansky has examined the phrase “do not fear” with a very revealing analysis (10 Minutes of Torah 8/20/12) on how that phrase is used often in the Bible. The command or statement appears frequently, and we find it in Exodus 14:13, with the Israelites at the Red Sea as Pharaoh’s army approached, and again when Joshua prepares for the battle of Jericho (Joshua 8:1). This statement is not restricted to the battlefield: Avram is told not to fear as he sets forth to a new land (Gen.15:1-5); Hagar, ready to die after being expelled from Abraham’s household, is told "Have no fear" (Gen. 21:17); when Jacob prepares for his reunion with Joseph in Egypt, God encourages him not to fear (Gen. 46:3). In every generation, it seems, God’s reassurance is required. As is stated in Isaiah 41:10, "Fear not, for I am with you; do not be frightened, for I am your God".

               

The frequent repetition of this commandment tells us that our heroic biblical figures were, in fact, human: they had fears. It also tells us that God is greater than the sum of all human fears, and can support his fearful followers with a quiet whisper or a strong command.

               

But there is another “fear” in Jewish tradition, namely, the “fear of God” (yirat Adonai) which is distinct from the repetition of statements of comfort. While this “fear” is sometimes translated as reverence or awe, it remains a complex concept, both simple and profound. We conclude our Shabbat morning service with the hymn “Adon Olam,” the last line of which includes a phrase taken from Psalm 118, “Adonai li v’lo ira" (God is with me, I shall not fear). Is this a statement of real belief, or is it aspirational or hopeful? Do we really believe it? The new month of Elul began on Wednesday; we are entering a season when we “return” again to examine our inner-most beliefs and thoughts. Yirat Adonai means that not only our actions are called into question, but our beliefs as well.