A Key to a Happy Marriage

Ki Tetze

Deut. 21:10 - 25:19

Précis:  The parasha might be subtitled “entering society” because it describes the creation of a just and moral social network. This parasha, according to Maimonides, contains 72 mitzvot (commandments). They cover a wide variety of topics, from family life, human kindness, respect for property and animals, the safety of others, sexual relationships, escaped slaves, financial loans and charging interest, keeping promises, and remembering to blot out the name of one of Israel's greatest enemies. This assortment of commands included requirements that there be sex-distinct clothing; that mother birds not be separated from their eggs; that roof-tops have parapets; that seeds not be mixed in a field, and that “tzitzit” (fringes) be worn on garments.

Deut. 24:5 “When a man has taken a bride, he shall not go out with the army or be assigned to it for any purpose; he shall be exempt for one year for the sake of his household, to give happiness to the woman he has married."

            As regular readers of this weekly message know, my wife Abby and I celebrated our 45^th wedding anniversary last week. Several people have asked us what the “secret” is to a long-lasting and successful marital relationship. As it turns out, this week’s Torah reading may provide an important hint!

Former JTS Chancellor Schorsch  writes (reprinted in MyJewishLearning.com 8/28/12) of the “demanding complexity of matrimony.” Divorce and remarriage were issues when the Torah was received, and when the rabbis drafted the Talmud, and obviously remain issues today. Some have suggested that the institution of marriage is in jeopardy today, but that is not exactly a new phenomenon. A tale in our tradition suggests that since creating the Universe, God spends His time as a Heavenly matchmaker. Rare is the Jewish wedding when the officiant fails to remind the bride and groom that God’s involvement is needed in sustaining a long-lasting and successful marriage.

            The cited verse informs us that a newlywed groom, for a period of a year, is exempt from military service. This reflects a traditional Jewish view of marriage: it is a husband’s responsibility, particularly, in the first year, to create a relationship, both physical and emotional, with his wife. Procreation is certainly one goal, but the text explicitly underscores the husband's duty to make his new wife happy.  (I would add that the wife of course has a similar duty towards her husband!)

            It is interesting that this prohibition against a groom’s military service immediate follows a series of verses dealing with divorce. This proximity suggests that divorce can be avoided if the husband spends the first year of marriage really trying to please his wife.

            So, when asked what the “secret” to a long and happy marriage is, I can suggest that we turn toward this verse, and recognize the need to treat every year of marriage as if it was the first year, when the couples’ attention is directed so powerfully toward the happiness of the other.  

Continuing Revelation

Shoftim

Deut. 16:18-21:9

Précis: The parasha Shoftim (literally, “judges”) is devoted primarily to various themes of justice, and includes warnings against false testimony, idol worship, and the dangers posed by mortal kings. The parasha also warns the people against false prophets, magicians, soothsayers and witches. It establishes requirements for cities of refuge in the Promised Land. In short, the parasha is devoted to ways to create a just society in the Land of Israel.

Deut. 17:8-10 “If a case is too complicated for you to adjudicate, whether it is a controversy over a homicide, civil law, or assault-matters of dispute in your court-you shall quickly take it to the place where God has designated [for such disputes]. Appear before the Levitical priest or the judge who will be in those days and present your problem. When the verdict has been announced, you shall carry it out from the place God chose, attending meticulously to the details of the decision.”

            Rabbi Adam Raskin, in his d'var torah to Congregation Har Shalom (8/25/12) suggested that there is a deeply radical message embedded in this parasha. He says that the verse establishes the “very basis of rabbinic authority, the capacity for change, and the continuity of our tradition…. a handful of verses that are nothing short of a theological revolution...”

            In these verses, human beings are commanded to participate in the evolution of Jewish law and tradition. The Torah is the basis of law, but it must be implemented by human beings. In effect, the judgment of these human judges is the articulation of the Divine Will!  This is what we call “ongoing revelation.” Jewish law and thought are not to be frozen forever.

            For centuries, rabbinical authorities have issued t'shuvot (responsa) on all aspects of Jewish life; this is a process which continues today, with respected authorities from each branch of Judaism issuing thoughtful explications of law on a range of issues which were not considered 3,000 years ago: how are we to deal with issues of scientific discoveries, complex commercial concerns, or how the 21^st century impacts on our ritual observances.

            The Conservative Movement maintains that the Torah's intent is for an evolving Jewish perspective on all aspects of life which is based on the text as well as on the thoughtful exegesis of generations of scholars. Those of other branches may disagree (and they do!) with responsa issued by the Conservative Movement’s rabbis, and there are heated debates within every branch of Jewish thought. Most will at least acknowledge that Jewish thought and life have in fact evolved over the centuries and millennia. How we evolve, and the way in which we hold the text and tradition sacred is the cornerstone of the concept of continuing revelation.